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Jul - General Chat - depression. feeling hopeless. New poll - New thread - New reply
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Arisotura
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Since: 02-24-13

From: your dreams

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Posted on 07-22-19 11:04:29 PM Link | Quote
tw: don't read any of this if you're in a weak mental/emotional state.

--






















nothing like making two phone calls in a row, and every time, getting consistently sir'd before even introducing yourself. my voice is a total and complete pile of shit, but if that was all there is... I had to give my legal name/etc anyway.

as if I would ever manage to have my legal name/gender changed. haha.


I started to transition in late 2017 (started HRT the 20th December). I was foolish and thought it would all work out. yeah... where has this landed me so far? if I had to choose again, I would just not transition.

let's see.

my chances of getting employed were already tiny, but now they're null.

same goes for my dating prospects.

I had depression before but not like constantly breaking down and crying like a sad mofo.

I am a pathetic little piece of shit. I don't belong in this world.

--

why did I attempt transitioning, anyway?

not like I can become a girl.

I look somewhat like a girl, but that's about it. calling myself a girl is dishonest.

because, welp, I can go and attempt dating a cute guy, I'll invariably get rejected with the same "sorry I'm straight" in one flavor or another.

so basically, unless I somehow acquired a vagina (which, between my low desire for that surgery and its outrageous price and gatekeeping and shit, is nothing more than a pipe dream), my dating pool is basically 0.0000001% of the world. great.

and even then, I'm such a bland, empty, boring person, I don't see how this would ever work. I don't see how anybody would ever be attracted to me.

meanwhile everybody around me, trans/gnc folks included, are into cute couples and cuddling and kissing and shit, and I'm sitting here watching like a sad fucker.

--

the more I look at developer job offers, the more I am disgusted

not like they would ever hire me, anyway

'muh no experience'

over and over again. I can show all the shit I have ever done, including melonDS, that's mere eye candy to them.

but

I'd like to work in construction. for example, electrical wiring.

but, am I legitimate to do that?

recruiters would see my resume and go 'wtf? you changed your mind on being a developer but you barely tried? bad candidate.'

--

at this point I have no future, no hope.

any way of coping with this shit? this is eating away at my energy and my willingness to continue living.

____________________
Kuribo64 - melonDS
Rambly

Level: 106


Posts: 2244/3083
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Posted on 07-23-19 04:07:19 AM Link | Quote
are you seeing a therapist that specializes in LGBT+ issues?

i know it's not always easy, but it's worth it to at least try. i doubt anyone here can really help you emotionally with the magnitude of what you're facing...

good therapy can help you unpack a lot of these feelings you're having. honestly, i'd be shocked if there was an LGBT+ person on earth that didn't need therapy -- nearly all of us have some internalized homo/transphobia and self-loathing to contend with

____________________
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Arisotura
Member
Level: 49


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Since: 02-24-13

From: your dreams

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Posted on 07-23-19 09:11:17 AM (last edited by Arisotura at 07-23-19 09:12:12 AM) Link | Quote
I'm not.

therapists cost money (which I'm hardly getting because nobody wants to hire me) and all they'd do would be put me on some antidepressant and call it a day. unless there are actually good ones? dunno. I have trouble seeing how they could help me.

____________________
Kuribo64 - melonDS
Halian

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Posted on 07-23-19 10:20:12 AM (last edited by Halian at 07-08-20 07:11:13 PM) Link | Quote
maple post-o-matic 9.3
Originally posted by Arisotura
therapists cost money (which I'm hardly getting because nobody wants to hire me) and all they'd do would be put me on some antidepressant and call it a day.


that's an unduly and unfortunately big mood. I'm in the exact same boat re psych[olog|iatr]y, and wish it weren't so fucked.

____________________
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Safir Alliance
Arisotura
Member
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Posts: 534/614
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Since: 02-24-13

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Since last post: 90 days
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Posted on 07-23-19 02:53:50 PM Link | Quote
well, I'm seeing the MLJ psychologist Friday. welp

we'll see

____________________
Kuribo64 - melonDS
Rambly

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Posted on 07-23-19 08:57:42 PM Link | Quote
Originally posted by Arisotura
and all they'd do would be put me on some antidepressant and call it a day. unless there are actually good ones? dunno. I have trouble seeing how they could help me.
any therapist that's reasonably familiar with LGBT issues ain't just gonna throw pills at you and tell you to go away. there are good therapists out there, although admittedly i don't know how common they are or aren't in France.

on the other hand...
Originally posted by Arisotura
therapists cost money (which I'm hardly getting because nobody wants to hire me)
... yeah, i feel that. fuck. capitalism bad

good luck.

____________________
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Arisotura
Member
Level: 49


Posts: 535/614
EXP: 879632
For next: 4251

Since: 02-24-13

From: your dreams

Since last post: 90 days
Last activity: 48 days
Posted on 08-02-19 05:09:03 PM Link | Quote
I was wrong on the date for the appointment, it was today. so I went, and well...

nothing of interest came out of it.

that's about it.

other than getting gendered male while in girl mode on the way.

which I guess is normal. no amount of HRT or shit is going to magically fool people into thinking I'm a girl. I can still dress how I like, but, well, I'm not a girl, and will never be one. I'm just some weird guy with boobs, I guess.

also, the friends I live with are full of shit. they're clearly hugboxing me, like when they tell me that "my voice is good as it is" when it clearly sounds male and gives me away. don't give me that "but girls can have low-pitched voices too" crap. it's not about pitch, it's about the base of the voice, if I can say that. like, girls can have low-pitched voices but you know it's still a girl voice. now take my voice and put it on a girl, your brain instantly knows that something is wrong.

and I can't figure out how the hell I could produce a female voice. all I can do is make it go higher (and sound like a guy trying to sound female), or do some silly parody voice that is good for voice-acting Mickey Mouse or Mario but not much else. but producing a female voice? nope, I can't. I don't know how.

I'm already discouraged from voice training. where the hell am I going? nowhere.

this is it for the update.

____________________
Kuribo64 - melonDS
Googie

Bloober
Underground Cartoonist...
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Posted on 08-13-19 04:01:06 PM Link | Quote
I fee like this a lot, I try to keep myself busy to cope with my current situation. People that don't suffer like we do always say to cheer up and everything'll be fine, easier said than done.

You can always reach out to me if you ever need a listening ear.
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Jul - General Chat - depression. feeling hopeless. New poll - New thread - New reply


Rusted Logic
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