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11-15-18 07:26:56 AM

Jul - Innocent Town - hey...um New poll - New thread - New reply
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Mistral

Red Yoshi
don't underestimate me / you ain't seen nothin' yet
Level: 112


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Since: 08-22-07

Pronouns: she/her
From: body chicago, soul nueva york

Since last post: 10 hours
Last activity: 2 hours

Posted on 10-30-18 06:19:42 AM (last edited by Mistral at 10-31-18 02:44:55 PM) Link | Quote
i uh. have been reading back... a very long bit in the forums tonight
i havent been here in so long, it feels like forever ago,
it feels like i was a different person when i was here last
i genuinely couldnt remember basically anything about my existence online from 2007-2012 for the longest time
so looking around at my posts and threads made and such has... really jogged my memory
so much of it is also just gone,
pictures and videos from old websites of mine long deleted,
imageshack and photobucket and puu.sh uploads,
tumblrs and twitters long since purged from the face of the earth
the ephemerality of it all sunk in harder tonight than it ever has

but at the same time, like... this is all still here
all the posts, threads, their text, its all just...here
long time ago i would have said that that's a horrible thing but now im glad for it
its a window into a self i couldnt remember for years, a self i barely recognize
a self that, thanks to hindsight being 20/20,
i can clearly see as having needed a lot of help,
having needed to be on the right medications,
because at the time of her departure her adhd and anxiety and paranoia were eating her alive

...i cried a fair bit, tonight
partially out of being able to recognize my past self at all,
a little bit out of relief, and partially out of some sadness,
a feeling of loss, of nostalgia, of irretrievability twisting like a knife

i feel a lot better now...
seeing that things are active here at all even now is a pleasure
the internet, and the world, are like a screaming vortex of all the worst things imaginable and then some
the fact that somewhere so...peaceful, friendly, close-knit,
is still here and still in use, its just wonderful

i guess, to put a cap on all that rambling,
what i'm trying to say is,
i'm sorry for having been a tremendous tool prior to leaving
ive said it repeatedly the past few days, mostly to xk,
and i wanna also extend that apology to the whole community
also,
id absolutely love to return to the forums in general
i might not be the most prolific poster anymore,
but i feel that being around would be pleasant,
if you all would be willing to have me

thank you for hearing me out
good night

after all,
despite everything, it's still just us
Q
Mis7eryMyra
Level: 100


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Since: 08-02-07

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From: Nowhere

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Posted on 10-30-18 12:58:57 PM (last edited by Q at 10-30-18 01:00:58 PM) Link | Quote
I'm glad you were able to return and reflect on all that. It can be difficult to see your past self with such clarity, but I think it's good to recognize how far you've come since then. A lot of us have changed over the years too, but it's nice to see so many of us are still here after all that time and change.

Welcome back.
Xkeeper

Level: 250


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Since: 07-03-07

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Posted on 10-30-18 11:59:04 PM Link | Quote
despite everything,
it's still us.


honestly, and this is probably silly,
but if anywhere still used the
"live the fun posting experience"
motto in the current era,
i think that one would make for a
much more somber, fitting motto


despite everything, it's still us.
Rambly

Level: 87


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Since: 07-22-07

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Posted on 11-01-18 01:51:46 AM Link | Quote
hi


if you even remember that i existed, um... sorry i was so flighty and so generally not nice for that time


i seem to recall that i yelled at you over twitter once; i don't remember what over? i might have softblocked you during that whole mess when people were fighting.
if i did, then i'm sorry.


that whole era was a whirlwind of me being just... confused and depressed and not knowing who i was, and it's hard for me to remember the details of the time, partly because i barely internalized what was even going on around me, and partly because i'd rather not remember the kind of person i was back then


anyway, we're here now. this place is still here. it's bittersweet.
Mistral

Red Yoshi
don't underestimate me / you ain't seen nothin' yet
Level: 112


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Since: 08-22-07

Pronouns: she/her
From: body chicago, soul nueva york

Since last post: 10 hours
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Posted on 11-01-18 02:50:51 AM (last edited by Mistral at 11-01-18 02:58:33 AM) Link | Quote
Originally posted by Q
I'm glad you were able to return and reflect on all that. It can be difficult to see your past self with such clarity, but I think it's good to recognize how far you've come since then. A lot of us have changed over the years too, but it's nice to see so many of us are still here after all that time and change.

Welcome back.
thank you...

i feel a fair bit better now
especially compared to when i made this thread

reflecting helped quite a bit
so did doing something fun
(playing through deltarune)

i had some other thoughts,
but i started to doze off,
and i've forgotten them

im suppose im just glad i had the chance to reflect,
and happy that someone as unpleasant as ive been
gets to take another crack at not being a jerk
to think even a frog in a well like me gets to eat fried chicken

Originally posted by Rambly
hi


if you even remember that i existed, um... sorry i was so flighty and so generally not nice for that time


i seem to recall that i yelled at you over twitter once; i don't remember what over? i might have softblocked you during that whole mess when people were fighting.
if i did, then i'm sorry.
i do remember you,
but not well enough to say whether we squabbled on twitter at all

if i can be frank,
i tended to just block people left and right on twitter,
usually over basically nothing but a vague, paranoia-driven sense of "this person isn't good"
i try not to let that feeling take hold of me anymore,
but its difficult,
because you cant really just make trust issues disappear

Originally posted by Rambly
that whole era was a whirlwind of me being just... confused and depressed and not knowing who i was, and it's hard for me to remember the details of the time, partly because i barely internalized what was even going on around me, and partly because i'd rather not remember the kind of person i was back then
i could generally say the same, i think
i dont have access to the higher boards where my last few offending posts were before i left,
and im glad for that,
because i think that if i had had access while i was reflecting and reminiscing the other night,
i probably would have wanted to just go bury myself in some sand near a coastline,
and wait for high tide to drown me

Originally posted by Rambly
anyway, we're here now. this place is still here. it's bittersweet.
it is indeed,
but im thankful for it

...anyhow
im really, really sleepy
next time i post,
ill try to be less of a downer
Xkeeper

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Posted on 11-03-18 07:19:05 PM Link | Quote
i'm just glad that, despite everything, this place is still here. it's kind of somber, in a way, how things have gone — but given the nature of the internet, it isn't much of a surprise. i liken it to parks and recreational centers and malls. while they used to be hangouts for a lot of people (supposedly...), in recent decades they've kind of just dried out, as people tended to stay inside or just... not go out in public like that. it's easier to stay in touch over cell phones and facebook and the like versus having to go meet up somewhere, after all, much like it's easier to stay in touch by just dropping posts on twitter or discord or whatever as opposed to writing long blocks of text like this.

but it's nice.
Mistral

Red Yoshi
don't underestimate me / you ain't seen nothin' yet
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Since: 08-22-07

Pronouns: she/her
From: body chicago, soul nueva york

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Posted on 11-04-18 02:31:26 AM Link | Quote
Originally posted by Xkeeper
i'm just glad that, despite everything, this place is still here. it's kind of somber, in a way, how things have gone — but given the nature of the internet, it isn't much of a surprise. i liken it to parks and recreational centers and malls. while they used to be hangouts for a lot of people (supposedly...), in recent decades they've kind of just dried out, as people tended to stay inside or just... not go out in public like that. it's easier to stay in touch over cell phones and facebook and the like versus having to go meet up somewhere, after all, much like it's easier to stay in touch by just dropping posts on twitter or discord or whatever as opposed to writing long blocks of text like this.

but it's nice.
yeah... it's soothing.
being here... feels like a quiet space.
not literally quiet, because people are still around, but just,
a respite from the coalesced, corporatized chaos of the rest of the internet.
at peak hours on twitter, it feels like a whirlwind
and as these big new media companies grow,
and sop up more and more of people's internet usage,
it gets harder and harder to catch a break, to take a breath
its easier to use, but much more psychologically draining
and honestly, i don't have much brain power to spare these days,
so for twitter and the like to get to have every last bit of it seems a waste.

i used to not understand why people were nostalgic for the 90s internet,
but boy howdy, do i understand now.
RanAS
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Posted on 11-04-18 04:07:56 PM Link | Quote
I never got to live in that era of the internet and I still wish I could've. It's like, I feel nostalgic for a time that didn't even exist for me. Even though I wasn't there, I can still picture what it was like, and then I realize that I've missed out on it.

Xkeeper

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Posted on 11-04-18 11:05:45 PM Link | Quote
nice thing about the old internet is that it waits for you. it isnt gonna come knocking on your phone. it doesnt go "hey we missed you you havent logged in in 4 days". it doesnt go "you didnt log in yesterday but you can pay us $5 to keep your streak alive ". it doesn't notify you every time someone looks at your posts. it doesn't shove things you "may have missed" in your face.

you can come to it and enjoy it on your own terms, when you're ready, and when you're done, you can leave. it's there when you want it, but it isn't imposing. you have to choose to be a participant.

and even if you don't come around often? at least for places like this, it'll remember where you were. you can bookmark a specific page and it'll always be there. it's not buried under infinite scrolling, or constantly updating, or invisible if you aren't looking at the right time. you can choose when to come back and finish it.

it's kind of a double edged sword. on one hand, there's nothing keeping someone here. if you forget about it for a while, it's just gone. nobody can reach out to you on it and go "hey, you ok?". but on the other hand, you're free to just... leave. you aren't being reminded of it. you aren't obligated to show up. you can come in when you want, wave, sit down, chat, then get up and go about your day.


and control. on social media, it's just a firehose. you get whatever people post. you follow someone because they post cute art or are supportive, but you also get all the other stuff they post. politics. rage. sadness. maybe their account gets hijacked and they post some spam or some horrible shit.

here, for the most part, you can choose what you want to view. if they make a thread to post cute art, you can be pretty sure you're gonna see cute art in it. if there's a thread about politics or the latest american disaster, you can just. not open it. you can choose to view it when you're ready. it'll be there.


i guess in a way, the old internet was about respecting the user, and requiring explicit consent in a lot of ways. the modern internet and modern social media is all about guessing what you want. there's no "no", there's only "maybe later".


...

that last point makes this so much more uncomfortable.
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