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| Jul - Innocent Town - Nostalgia dump zone |  -  -  |
| Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 | Next newer thread | Next older thread |
| — Bloodstar — 11360      Buy me a trip to the moon So I can laugh at my mistakes  Post 11232/11363 Joined 07-06-07 Active 2 days ago |
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| Xkeeper Level: 263      Posts: 23358/25343 EXP: 296736884 For next: 2223569 Since: 07-03-07 Pronouns: they/them/???????? Since last post: 9 days Last activity: 54 min. |
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Throw it up on archive.org if you're feeling weird about it.
____________________ (Lv 242 with 222692273 EXP) |
| Xkeeper Level: 263 Posts: 23358/25343 EXP: 296736884 For next: 2223569 Since: 07-03-07 Pronouns: they/them/???????? Since last post: 9 days Last activity: 54 min. |
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guhhhh I was thinking about all of this again and getting really sad and nostalgic. i miss old me
____________________ (Lv 243 with 223992560 EXP) |
| Xkeeper Level: 263 Posts: 23358/25343 EXP: 296736884 For next: 2223569 Since: 07-03-07 Pronouns: they/them/???????? Since last post: 9 days Last activity: 54 min. |
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Hiryuu (yes, that one) apparently got ahold of an old hard drive he had laying around, and sent me a bunch of old junk of mine from it. Stuff like old sprites I had worked on (complete with the sheets of changes) and some other stuff ...
I still feel weird about everything. So much of my past is just gone — there's literally nothing left of it, even the stuff I wanted to save... I wish I had a better way of explaining it, or figuring out what went... wrong? The old me was a lot more reckless in terms of just... doing things. I was still ashamed of what I did, hence using pseudonyms everywhere, but I was still doing something. Now I just... don't. (I think at the base of it, I know what the problems are, but it's hard to confront them...) ____________________ (Lv 243 with 226566427 EXP) |
| Xkeeper Level: 263 Posts: 23358/25343 EXP: 296736884 For next: 2223569 Since: 07-03-07 Pronouns: they/them/???????? Since last post: 9 days Last activity: 54 min. |
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Looking back at this place, at the old code — Kak asked me to see if I had any copies that had some old stuff I stripped out of the release version — and it's...
I described it as "It's like driving through an old neighborhood you used to live in. Everything's different now, but there's still this little slice of what used to be that you remember, even if nobody else does." ____________________ (Lv 244 with 227702672 EXP) |
| Xkeeper Level: 263 Posts: 23358/25343 EXP: 296736884 For next: 2223569 Since: 07-03-07 Pronouns: they/them/???????? Since last post: 9 days Last activity: 54 min. |
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Thinking about this again and getting really sad, for a lot of reasons.
I kind of... I dunno. I want to slap my old self a lot — some of the stuff from back then really is terrible. But here in the ~future~, I can see why it happened, the bad influences, the trying to fit in things. It's what everyone else did, so I should have done it too, right? ... I don't know how to really say it other than it's... painful, I guess. Thinking of all the ways things could have gone so much better, or at least... something. Some way to not end up like I am today. ... ____________________ (Lv 244 with 227787551 EXP) |
| Halian Level: 75  Posts: 463/1473 EXP: 3718451 For next: 108453 Since: 06-20-10 Pronouns: he/him From: Central Florida Since last post: 137 days Last activity: 118 days |
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Maple Post-o-Matic 9.1
*offers hugs*[hr] Originally posted by Xkeeper Same here. I seem to be pathologically unable to hang onto my past, and I feel worse than terrible for it. :c ____________________ Layout by Maple. Hoennese Realm Safir Alliance |
| Xkeeper Level: 263 Posts: 23358/25343 EXP: 296736884 For next: 2223569 Since: 07-03-07 Pronouns: they/them/???????? Since last post: 9 days Last activity: 54 min. |
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dug through some more files. found old projects, little toys i had made, small projects. even back then i knew i'd never finish anything, but i'd still start stuff just for the hell of it. just because little toys were fine.
back when i had something resembling a homepage, listing the projects i was working on. i found an old copy of "the page of things", for example. most of the database stuff is gone, so many of the toys and projects don't work. on the flip side, i have a few databases that have data, but the code to use them is long gone (for example, a tagboard, where you could leave little messages; the messages exist, but the code to show and write them is long lost) for someone so nostalgic for the past, i have done a terrible job of keeping mine. ironic, i guess. ____________________ (Lv 244 with 227884746 EXP) |
| Xkeeper Level: 263 Posts: 23358/25343 EXP: 296736884 For next: 2223569 Since: 07-03-07 Pronouns: they/them/???????? Since last post: 9 days Last activity: 54 min. |
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well, then again, for a long time, i wanted to forget my past. i was at the phase where i knew i was better than i had been before, but not better enough to realize i was still exhibiting bad behavior. i'd like to believe i'm a little better now than then, but it's too late for many things.
some of it was out of my control, too. that much i can admit. ... it's hard to not feel sad about everything. i think the fact that most people have a 'portfolio', a list of stuff they've worked on, while i have the 'hall of failures', speaks enough about my mindset; that rather than documenting what i want to do, or what i did, i document how things died, or stopped, or faded into oblivion one way or another. some people say that we all walk our own roads through life; mine is probably named "the boulevard of broken dreams" ____________________ (Lv 244 with 227884830 EXP) |
| BatElite Member Level: 35  Posts: 163/345 EXP: 273857 For next: 6079 Since: 04-24-17 Pronouns: they/them, preferably she/her (fluidity is heck) Since last post: 10 days Last activity: 7 hours |
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It's an interesting thread to me, I like seeing stuff like this... When it comes to losing stuff, I hate it and it bothers me even if it's small things and I empathize greatly, but if I may play devil's advocate for a moment: I've seen you lament before how you don't do anything anymore when you go through old stuff like this. Wouldn't you get even worse feelings of that had more been around still? Maybe it's a situation about a rock and a hard place... ____________________ "Rusted old machines should stay home and play with their toasters!" |
| Xkeeper Level: 263 Posts: 23358/25343 EXP: 296736884 For next: 2223569 Since: 07-03-07 Pronouns: they/them/???????? Since last post: 9 days Last activity: 54 min. |
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Originally posted by BatElite I don't know. It's hard to say, honestly. On one hand, I can look back at the things I did, and see memories. Even if I dislike who I used to be, I still did something. I existed. I stuck a flag in a mountain and made it mine. I sat down and created something; I imparted a part of myself into the universe through the things I made and the people it impacted. On the other hand, not having anything left to show for it doesn't mean that they weren't done, or that I wouldn't remember them; just that I wouldn't have anything to show for it. It's like going on vacation in that way — you can either take pictures, and years later go "ah, remember that time" ... or you can not take any and just sort of forget it ever happened. You can't show it to anyone, you can't go "look at this pretty sunset" or "look at how nice the beach was" or "look at how goofy this thing they were wearing was 10 years ago, how different we are now" Growing doesn't mean anything if you can't compare yourself to how you were before. The destination is pointless without the journey. ... Last night, as we were copying over data from BMF over to the NAS, I was exploring some of my old files again. Even BMF is nostalgic for the days when I made things; there was so much in there from just. Random experiments I spent a day or two on that generated weird images, or funny visuals, or tried to do goofy stuff with websites that didn't even have any sort of API... I'll post more of them later. ____________________ (Lv 244 with 228105866 EXP) |
| Xkeeper Level: 263 Posts: 23358/25343 EXP: 296736884 For next: 2223569 Since: 07-03-07 Pronouns: they/them/???????? Since last post: 9 days Last activity: 54 min. |
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Back in a sort of nostalgic review, thinking back 10 years or so; maybe more like 9 or 8, but mostly just a lot of regrets. The past is over, but I still feel terrible for the things I did back then; bridges burnt, insults thrown, friends lost.
I spend too much of my time thinking about how much went wrong before, and how things could've gone differently, what I could have done. Part of it is just that I really didn't know better — some of it is still a problem to this day, though I'd like to think I've improved a lot. Time doesn't heal everything, but it at least tends to make us wiser. Does this always happen? Do people always think about the futures that never were, but could have been? I talk about wishing to be able to forget things every now and then, and this is another one of those times... It would be a lot easier if I could just forget the people I hurt, forget the past, move on and just... do better. It's hard. ____________________ (Lv 244 with 229362834 EXP) |
| Xkeeper Level: 263 Posts: 23358/25343 EXP: 296736884 For next: 2223569 Since: 07-03-07 Pronouns: they/them/???????? Since last post: 9 days Last activity: 54 min. |
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Jul - Private messages - Inbox: 2707 ...
Got a little nostalgic and looked through some of the list; early parts of it were dominated by two people, but even from a few years ago there's names I recognize, but know they've been gone for a long time, and probably won't be coming back. Or definitely, in at least one case. I miss everyone. People I didn't get to know as well as I wanted; people I never got to talk to; people that I drove away. There's nothing I can do about it now, but... I don't know. I wish I knew then what I knew now. I wish I knew now what I'll know later, so I can be better ... I'm trying. ____________________ (Lv 244 with 229378280 EXP) |
| Xkeeper Level: 263 Posts: 23358/25343 EXP: 296736884 For next: 2223569 Since: 07-03-07 Pronouns: they/them/???????? Since last post: 9 days Last activity: 54 min. |
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I know it probably doesn't mean as much to anybody else as it does to me, but... thanks for being around.
Thanks for being a part of this family. ____________________ (Lv 244 with 229378421 EXP) |
Rambly Level: 106  Posts: 2065/3083 EXP: 12567626 For next: 104317 Since: 07-22-07 Pronouns: she/her Since last post: 271 days Last activity: 254 days |
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| Q 風のノータム Level: 105  Posts: 2893/2986 EXP: 11966877 For next: 295383 Since: 08-03-07 Pronouns: she/her From: Nowhere Since last post: 42 days Last activity: 4 hours |
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I'm happy to be here
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layout by Sofi.
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| Jamie Requested (also Termingamer2-JD rereg) Level: 29 Posts: 69/193 EXP: 143945 For next: 3940 Since: 06-03-14 Since last post: 2.8 years Last activity: 2.8 years |
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| Taryn meant a lot to the people at kafuka too... especially Miss Dani mentions her a lot and it's really sad that I never got to meet her (and that if I did meet her I'd have been in my complete idiot days -.-) because she seemed a very nice person :/ ____________________ Polythene, Polythene Girl, wrap me up in a cellophane world~ |
| RanAS Member Level: 55  Posts: 484/844 EXP: 1286596 For next: 27593 Since: 10-10-14 From: São Paulo, Brazil Since last post: 2 days Last activity: 2 days |
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| Trying to forget bad parts of the past is always difficult. For me, it's less about what I had done and more about how I was and how I had to build a weird cold/serious side to me so I could deal with the worst of the world. Little did I know that that cold side ended up sapping away most of my motivation, most of my trust on others, and completely warped my worldview. Instead of being the optimist that I was that tried to find many different solutions to solving a problem and making people's lives better in general, I became a mostly mindless robot that just went forward as necessary. It takes some time to regain that confidence on the world again, specially with things the way they are right now. But I'm glad I was able to find this nice chill place and be here with you all. It makes everything much better It makes me happy knowing that there are actually people out there that care Love you all |
| — Bloodstar — 11360 Buy me a trip to the moon So I can laugh at my mistakes Post 11270/11363 Joined 07-06-07 Active 2 days ago |
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| Rambly Level: 106 Posts: 2069/3083 EXP: 12567626 For next: 104317 Since: 07-22-07 Pronouns: she/her Since last post: 271 days Last activity: 254 days |
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Originally posted by JamieI still think about her every now and then... we started talking at a pretty pivotal time in my life — I was just starting to get inklings that maybe I was trans, I was starting to research it and find resources and communities online... her frankness about her own being trans and her discussions with me on AIM about it helped plant the seeds that led to me figuring out who I was. Sometime in 2011 some feuding happened — I don't even remember over what anymore — and I eventually just kind of distanced myself from her. We never really reconnected after that. I kind of... deeply regret that our last interactions with each other before she died weren't all that positive. I kind of regret that I treated her as coldly as I did. But more than anything I kind of regret that I never got a chance to thank her for what she ultimately did for me. I guess it's silly, and she wasn't the only person who helped, but she was one of the first to maybe bring to my attention that transitioning was a possibility for me. ____________________ |
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| Jul - Innocent Town - Nostalgia dump zone | - - |
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