WIP
sorry for the double post, I don't want this mixed in with my other post because I'm unsure it will update the thread, and this point is of a very different tone from all my others thus far.
In times of hardship, some would kill themselves...
The way things are going, that could never ease my pain. What I'm seeing in the world right now disgusts me. It frightens me. It greatly upsets me. I can't even escape it at home... I can't escape it here, or anywhere on the internet. recently, I have seen more hatred and general negativity than in my entire life up to a certain point. It's killing me on the inside. I do not care of there's some magic pills to fix it, that's against my will. And it doesn't solve the actual problem, it just numbs me to it. I don't care any longer who's right or who's wrong... I want people to STFU and reach a common agreement before either democracy is replaced by a dictatorship, or the very anarchy feared by all, where people murder each other left and right for petty reasons. Where rapists and other sickos roam free. Where everything that is created is destroyed, lost forever to history. Where I don't know if on a simple stroll in the park, if I'll be mugged,beaten, or killed, or if I'll get home without incident. Where I will have to teach my children from a very young age how to kill other people if they are threatened, while at the same time trying to pass on to them my personal values and my dreams of a better world, so that one day maybe they can restore peace. Where I do not know if my alleged 'closest friend' is actually trustworthy, or just waiting for a good time to stab me in the back, or at the very least, a liability. A world where the truest meaning of terror/terrorism, and war will be known. A world where blood soaks the streets not just in a few countries, but ALL of them.
despite what our leaders, are political parties, our societies, even our religions will claim, or whose side they're alledgedly on, no matter how righteous, they all in their own way are leading us to these ends. I want no part in it. If they insist on perpetuating these problems rather than actually getting together and SOLVING them, then I don't just wish to be dead. I wish to simply not exist. My soul to no longer inhabit my body will not ease my pain, if from the afterlife I still must look-over a hellhole, or be made aware of it. And if people insist on being so apathetic and greedy/selfish, I do not want my assets left to them. In my eyes, they're unworthy.
It shames and pains me to even think this, i want to delete myself. Not just die, but to not exist and be completely forgotten. All my material or intellectual assets gone, and bound by some profound universal contract that they can never re-surface, forever lost to time, or perhaps impossible they could ever exist. I feel so insignificant, that people like me do not belong.
But, whatever happens, my fate is sealed. I will either watch the world turn a complete 180 and the human race finally truly evolve, or I will watch it fall into complete chaos, and suffer through until dying of natural causes, or being killed for some petty reason. I can't bring myself to commit any permanent self-harm. I have made an unspoken contract with my friends and family, and my few supporters to not hurt them like that. I will not use the metaphorical blue pill to make my pains go away. I accepted the red pill, and I must deal with that. The only exception is if I am forced to, and I curse ANYONE who does that to suffer great misfortune. (well, that probably won't work, but it's entirely against my will for someone to do that... I do wish great ill upon them if they do, even though after the fact, that point is moot, since I won't care...or any care for it will be suppressed by the "cure")
This has probably been one of the single most negative things I have said. But I won't pretend like I'm ok with all of the shit that is happening now. There is no need for it. I considered simply advocating for what I believe, rather than to bitch about it, but I already know my argument will generally fall on deaf ears. I will be told I am wrong because I'm not in college and haven't yet gone, either. I will be laughed at because I have no PhD. I will sway very few if any votes, because I don't have billions of dollars to line some politician's pocket. I cannot make my way into any office because I lack the money to run a campaign. I can at best use my abilities to manipulate people into electing me, but that's a crap shoot, and I greatly dislike using those skills because ...ETHICS! I'd rather not actually start a bloody revolution. What more does that solve than the merciless slaughter of so many innocents, and the entire US government to have to be re-built from scratch? I am 20 years too young to even be eligible to run for president. I'd almost certainly be 20 years too late, and that's assuming I make it past our inherently flawed voting system. When I have to defend my own opinions, I tend to get just as hostile as all these damn political parties I despise,because despite trying to be reasonable, all my opinions get stone-walled, and I become irritable, instead, because I feel so powerless. Even though I tell people "Yes, I support or respect some of your opinions" , they can't accept when i reach "but..." and try to justify my own, and lay-out a fucking compromise. They just go off on a tangent how I'm wrong or don't know what I'm talking about, and how they're right, and how they will with great pride do all the things that I am against, despite the solid evidence I laid-down about how it violates ETHICS, perhaps morality. I even point out an extreme case to highlight the flaws in their statements, and they acknowledge how stupid said scenario is, yet when I link it back to historically accurate records of similar scenarios, and occurrences in present time, my argument they just AGREED with magically doesn't apply to it, despite my scenarios, and the real-world issues i went though the effort to bring up, are one and the same.
I'm so sick of it. Only good news is I have come with an artistic inspiration and excuse to use my main MLP OC. Bad news is I still must push myself to draw her, and it will be a rather disturbing and depressing rendition of her, because what it depicts is above all, unpleasant. She represents a half of my soul, the nicer half, my "good" qualities. her brother, who I actually haven't entirely designed represents the "bad" ones... It goes without saying that despite I can't seem bothered to use them, their mood, and even which of their alter-egos are intended to be directly linked with me. They are me, essentially. And right now, half of me is feeling like it's being crushed under several TRILLION tons of pressure, about to literally shatter. The other half is burning hot with rage. But, I can't draw the ponyfication of that since I can't settle fully on what he looks like.
I'm going to go sulk or draw shit now... idk which, maybe both...
Sorry for this huge-ass textwall, and a huge-ass textwall of pure negativity at that, but i needed to let that out, and rather publicly... Do not worry about me, I will be perfectly fine unless I suddenly contract a fatal disease, suffer an unfortunate accident, or society dissolves to Purge-Like anarchy as I very much fear it's headed towards... and I'm far from completely compromised, it is only in the MAD/anarchy scenarios by which I might finally throw in the towel. But, in those scenarios, I am constantly in fear of my life, so... I'm upset, yes, but I can still function. Although barely. Be that as it may, it's my choice and my right to endure this. I will never give up, I will fight to the very end. For myself, for my beliefs, for my family, and friends. Once I've completely let this all out, I'll be back to... whatever is "normal" for me. I always do. Even right now, I'm actually still deeply motivated to do something productive, because I absolutely hate dwelling on negativity. It's not by even a longshot the real me... Not even close.
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