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Dan Hibiki
1190
Talks mostly in pictures.

"I dislike the art of fighting, but I want to be the king of fighters!"
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Since: 07-22-07


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Posted on 10-24-09 04:17:23 AM (last edited by The Accidental Protege at 12-19-09 01:36 AM) Link | Quote
Taking place a year after Metroid Fusion, this is a bit less of a kid-friendly take on Metroid. Nothing's set in stone, these are really just organized thoughts and ideas.
...comments, etc kthnx

Working Title: Metroid - Redemption

“And then, get this,” she started, a wild grin on her face as her dirty hands clenched a glass of equal squalor, half filled with a nondescript dark alcohol. “Once I got back, they fucking exiled me from the Federation’s air space, and boom! Here I am. Great story, huh? A real class act,” her words spilled from her mouth lazily as she recited her adventures of explosions, planet hopping, fame, and finally, degeneration. The bartender never took his sunken eyes off the glass he was half-heartedly cleaning with a rag of questionable sanitation, the mustachioed man drifting in and out of attention to the story he endures at least once a week by an increasingly forgetful woman whose life had been shattered by a blow of unfairness and miscalculations. He sighed wearily, for he knew what kind of reaction would come from her after she finished her tale. The blonde woman quickly gulped down what was left of her drink, whipped out a cheap, bent cigarette from a pocket in her drab cargo pants, lit it with a flimsy green lighter from the same origin and slammed the glass down on the cast iron bar, nearly shattering it in her steel grip as she started shouting at no one in particular.

“I saved their sorry asses countless fucking times, and that’s the thanks I get?! ‘Sorry, Samus, you saved the galaxy again, but this time you went too far!’ So what?! A research vessel and a miserable shit-ball of a planet get annihilated, and it gets a Class-G Destruction label, while I get a fugitive sticker slapped on my forehead! “ Her tirade continued into a mindless, blathering delirium while the patrons, who initially looked on in relative interest, turned their heads back towards their original business and continued to do anything but listen to her physically animated rant for any longer.

No more than a year ago, one would look at this woman and say in their heads, “That’s Samus Aran, bounty hunter extraordinaire, and heroine of the galaxy!” Nowadays, they would see a woman in her late twenties, her long, golden hair tarnished and dirty, and countless, deep battle scars embedded in almost every area possible on her body, some more gruesome than others but nothing particularly disfiguring. She still retained some semblance of a beautiful woman, but that side of her is buried under such a heap of psychological rubble, it would be nearly impossible to retrieve. Her entanglements with biological super-beings and horrifying alien organisms started festering in the back of her mind after her forced ‘vacation’ from the Galactic Federation’s systems, and the post-traumatic stress finally caught up with her while she slept, as she deteriorated into a life of smoking, constant drinking, and all the traits that come with being a disorderly public nuisance. No one on the derelict Space Platform, however, felt it necessary to remind her of how much of a waste she had become; they all still held some form of reverence for her and her past accomplishments, and most of them understood the fact that she did not need a reminder of how much she’d fallen from grace.



There's more to it, but it's unorganized drivel-poop.


____________________
Girlydragon
3030
Possibly neither Girly nor Dragon.
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Posted on 11-01-09 08:26:34 PM Link | Quote
Interesting idea, and I think it could turn out to be a good read, but at the moment the text is a little to descriptive for me. It's good that I get to know what's happening and good descriptions, but if they're too long then I lose interest over what I'm reading. A little more what instead of how would probably benefit it lots.

Though it's the beginning of the story, so I could see it thin out of the descriptiveness later on.


But yeah, I'd say keep going, could turn out good.

____________________
Dan Hibiki
1190
Talks mostly in pictures.

"I dislike the art of fighting, but I want to be the king of fighters!"
Level: 71


Posts: 939/1191
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For next: 149620

Since: 07-22-07


Since last post: 11.8 years
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Posted on 11-02-09 03:20:06 AM Link | Quote
Originally posted by Girlydragon
Interesting idea, and I think it could turn out to be a good read, but at the moment the text is a little to descriptive for me. It's good that I get to know what's happening and good descriptions, but if they're too long then I lose interest over what I'm reading. A little more what instead of how would probably benefit it lots.

Though it's the beginning of the story, so I could see it thin out of the descriptiveness later on.


But yeah, I'd say keep going, could turn out good.
Think I could get a few examples of where, specifically, I could thin it down so I can refine this before I continue?

____________________
Girlydragon
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From: Sweden

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Posted on 11-02-09 03:07:05 PM Link | Quote
"her slurred words spilled out of her mouth like linguistic vomit as her story tied itself together, somehow, into a chuckle-filled, drunken recitation of her grand adventures of explosions, planet hopping, fame, and finally, degeneration."

This sentence feels like it drags too long, maybe because you have an overly long description of both what's talking about and how. I'd probably say shorten the first part and keep the rest.

"whipped out a cigarette from a pocket in the ripped up military style pants that hung themselves lazily around her hips,"

the pants gets too much attention, maybe change this part so that is focuses more on the cigarette? Would probably give more impact about her degeneration too.

Those are the worst parts.



Oh and:

“And then, get this,” she started, a wild grin on her face as her dirty hands clenched a glass of equal squalor, half filled with a nondescript dark alcohol. “Once I got back, they fucking exiled me from the Federation’s air space, and boom! Here I am. Great story, huh? A real class act,”

This is an excellent and amazing way to start a story, really pulls you in. This is a perfect example of the right amount of descriptiveness.



I hope that helped you, though it's just my opinion.

____________________
Dan Hibiki
1190
Talks mostly in pictures.

"I dislike the art of fighting, but I want to be the king of fighters!"
Level: 71


Posts: 947/1191
EXP: 3017494
For next: 149620

Since: 07-22-07


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Last activity: 3.0 years
Posted on 11-03-09 12:48:46 AM Link | Quote
"...Her words spilled from her mouth lazily as she recited her adventures of explosions, planet hopping, fame, and finally, degeneration."

""whipped out a cheap, bent cigarette from a pocket in her drab cargo pants..."

How would this sound by comparison? I kinda like, but I like your opinions, so it matters to me. Let me know.

____________________
Girlydragon
3030
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Since: 07-21-07

From: Sweden

Since last post: 273 days
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Posted on 11-03-09 05:30:48 AM Link | Quote
Much better, the cigarette one is especially good now, the "degeneration" shines trough much better, without the read getting to boring.

Very nice!

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Jul - Projects and Creations - Attempts at a Metroid Fan-Fiction... New poll - New thread - New reply


Rusted Logic
Acmlmboard - commit 47be4dc [2021-08-23]
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