Jul -- Projects and Creations: Freewriting

Dan Hibiki
1190

Talks mostly in pictures.

"I dislike the art of fighting, but I want to be the king of fighters!"
Level: 71

Posts: 497/1191
EXP: 3017456
For next: 149658

Since: 07-22-07

Since last post: 11.8 years
Last activity: 3.0 years

Posted on 05-02-09 07:58:37 AM

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Because I wanna see how well I do at 5 AM, and to see what others think. And if my art threads are any indication, I'll never find out that information. ¬_¬

Gort scratched the nape of his neck; then, with an audible smack, he crushed the insect that sought to feast on his blood, the mosquito’s remains stuck firmly to his palm. There were too many who sought after his blood already. He rested his head against a firm tree trunk, his scraggy black hair draping past his face as his tired eyes gazed towards the vegetation above and around him, the humid air permeating every inch of his green skin, leaving him sweaty and uncomfortable in his iron pauldrons and sparse leather armor. He did the best he could to catch his breath, but with the humans nipping at his heels like dogs chasing their quarry, he couldn’t sit still for long, lest he be captured again. Their cries could be heard in the distance, and Gort’s pointed ears twitched at their call as he bolted upright, eyes wide and axe in hand, ready to defend himself if needed.

“The orc’s this way! On the double, men, don’t let him get away!”
Gort’s legs began moving automatically towards his goal (which would seem to be as far away from his persecutors as possible), clumsily hefting himself over fallen trees, wading through seas of ferns and tropical forest growth, and hacking his way through brambles and vines until he could see the sky ever so slightly though the dense jungle, and noticed a wonderful sign: smoke. He was close. Gort breathed the hot air as he pushed through any natural obstacle in his way, the rallying cries of the humans far enough behind to not be seen, but close enough to be heard. He exploded through the edge of the trees and ferns with a maddening shout, as the fort before him, constructed of chopped logs on their ends, tied together with reeds and vines stood before him, his orcish brothers and sisters beholding Gort’s muscular form with widened eyes and slackened jaws.

“Don’t just stand there, you idiots! Do something!” his gruff, scratchy voice commanded, his eyes piercing his comrades to their souls as he continued his charge into the fort itself, passing by multiple men and women of his kind rushing out to beyond the encampment’s threshold, spears, swords, and axes brandished as the humans’ racket drew ever closer. Soon, they too burst forth out of the vegetation, their polished chain mail rattling with each heavy step they took. The ones in front only saw it coming for several seconds before the savage green-skins took their blades to the human invaders, severing legs, arms, heads, and possibly other appendages as well, slaughtering several of the hapless invaders as they fell under a dancing, dazzling crimson banner of blood that spewed from their bodies before the remainder turned and fled in horror after witnessing the brutal affair. Gort was safe, at least for now.

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Hiryuu

Level: 206

Posts: 9121/14435
EXP: 127508201
For next: 105178

Since: 07-06-07

Since last post: 11.8 years
Last activity: 11.7 years

Posted on 05-02-09 04:03:43 PM

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Good short scenario and imagery, especially for a 500-word or so. Only picked up a couple of grammar ticks along the way, if you're worried about it (i.e. 'there were too many' --> 'there was too many' OR 'there were too many people [or some plural relation]'), but nothing too terrible, everything else was fine from what I saw here...nothing too overkill about the imagery (which I actually abhor, honestly, there's a fine line for that) and everything seemed solid for a good five to ten minutes of action.

I'd say you're fine if this is how you normally write though all this really turned out to be was just a flee + slice and dice scenario so I hope your writing isn't all about that.

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Dan Hibiki
1190

Talks mostly in pictures.

"I dislike the art of fighting, but I want to be the king of fighters!"
Level: 71

Posts: 498/1191
EXP: 3017456
For next: 149658

Since: 07-22-07

Since last post: 11.8 years
Last activity: 3.0 years

Posted on 05-02-09 07:02:40 PM

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Nah, all my writing isn't so cut and dry (though I do tend to give most of it more of a manly edge); just slapped something together in about 15 minutes. I thought it'd be refreshing to see something other than the "move-script" style thing I've seen on here.

Anyway, I am interested in what I can do to improve, so if you have something to point out, let it be known so I can improve, lol. Have at me!

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BlackNemesis13
1150

I am ***** but it's hard to pronounce, so you can call me Geno after the doll.
Level: 70

Posts: 226/1155
EXP: 2881238
For next: 134573

Since: 07-23-07

From: Columbus, Ohio

Since last post: 10.6 years
Last activity: 10.6 years

Posted on 05-03-09 04:46:25 AM

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I kind of suck at peer editing, but I just finished an English course, and I know how helpful any form of constructive criticism can be, so here it goes. Also, keep in mind that at this point, I have only read the first paragraph. I'll read the rest later. I find it easier this way when it comes to critiquing overall structure.

Originally posted by Raoh
He rested his head against a firm tree trunk, his scraggy black hair draping past his face as his tired eyes gazed towards the vegetation above and around him, the humid air permeating every inch of his green skin, leaving him sweaty and uncomfortable in his iron pauldrons and sparse leather armor.

This Sentence is is a run-on. There are two distinct ideas in it, and therefore, it would clarify things if they were split into two sentences.

[example] He rested his head against a firm tree trunk, his scraggy black hair draping past his face as his tired eyes gazed towards the vegetation above and around him. The humid air permeated every inch of his green skin, leaving him sweaty and uncomfortable in his iron pauldrons and sparse leather armor.

Originally posted by Raoh
Gort scratched the nape of his neck; then, with an audible smack, he crushed the insect that sought to feast on his blood, the mosquito’s remains stuck firmly to his palm.

I'd separate this sentence too, and possibly place it after the above sentence. Depends on what you think makes the paragraph flow best.

[example] Gort rested his head against a firm tree trunk, his scraggy black hair draping past his face as his tired eyes gazed towards the vegetation above and around him. The humid air permeated every inch of his green skin, leaving him sweaty and uncomfortable in his iron pauldrons and sparse leather armor. He scratched the nape of his neck; then, with an audible smack, he crushed the insect that sought to feast on his blood. The mosquito’s remains stuck firmly to his palm. There were too many who sought after his blood already.

Originally posted by Raoh
He did the best he could to catch his breath, but with the humans nipping at his heels like dogs chasing their quarry, he couldn’t sit still for long, lest he be captured again. Their cries could be heard in the distance, and Gort’s pointed ears twitched at their call as he bolted upright, eyes wide and axe in hand, ready to defend himself if needed.

I'd rearrange your order of ideas a little here. Right now, these sentences seem jumbled as each one has multiple ideas within them. Perhaps separating them like this would work better?

[example]He did the best he could to catch his breath, but he couldn’t sit still for long, lest he be captured again. The humans were nipping at his heels like dogs chasing their quarry. Their cries could be heard in the distance. Gort’s pointed ears twitched at their call as he bolted upright, eyes wide and axe in hand, ready to defend himself if needed.

Furthermore,

Originally posted by Raoh
He did the best he could to catch his breath, but he couldn’t sit still for long, lest he be captured again.

I don't know about this sentence. It's okay, but it almost seems redundant, and it lacks action when compared to the rest of the paragraph. You'd probably be better off conveying these two ideas in different ways. What you've already written already conveys that Gort is resting and most likely catching his breath, so that doesn't need restating. The only new important information in this sentence is that Gort is in danger of being captured. I'd try to get that point across in another sentence without outright stating it. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. This sentence feels too much like an announcement. Write the paragraph so that the reader is able to easily infer everything in this sentence, without it being directly stated to them.

Originally posted by Raoh
Their cries could be heard in the distance.

This is passive voice. Consider changing "could be heard" into a a more menacing verb.

Originally posted by Raoh
Gort’s pointed ears twitched at their call as he bolted upright, eyes wide and axe in hand, ready to defend himself if needed.

I think this sentece offers you a good opportunity to let the reader into a little of Gort's character. Describe his exact reactions more. So far, all we are really getting out of it is that Gort is alert. "Ready to defend himself if needed" is a pretty generic way of describing him. As is, this sentence could describe anyone's reaction if they were being hunted. Write it so that we know, without a doubt, that it is Gort specifically who is being hunted.

For instance, is Gort eager to fight the humans? Is he angry at them? Does he hate them? Is he thirsting for the kill? Or does he just want to be left alone and is only raising the axe in self-defense? The way that Gort raises the axe could clarify this. Instead of "ready to defend himself if needed," you could say "ready to strike at the first sign of life" or "tired of the endless chase, but instincively bound to survive at any cost" or really, something better than both of these. You can also do this in other parts of the paragraph and not just this sentence.

Also, your rewriting could probably benefit if you read each paragraph on its own, identified the main point getting across, identify the main point you want to get across, and then focus more on that overall idea. Ultimately, ask yourself, what does this paragraph say in relation to the rest of the story? With this paragraph, my impression is that it sounds like you want the reader to empathize with Gort, but at the same time get the point across that he is not someone to be messed with, and is something that most humans would hate and fear. If so, I would put in more details to better illustrate these main concepts. It's good as is, but you can improve it easily.

I'll probaly review the rest of it later. Right now it's frickin 130am and I need to get some sleep! I like it so far though.

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BlackNemesis13
1150

I am ***** but it's hard to pronounce, so you can call me Geno after the doll.
Level: 70

Posts: 229/1155
EXP: 2881238
For next: 134573

Since: 07-23-07

From: Columbus, Ohio

Since last post: 10.6 years
Last activity: 10.6 years

Posted on 05-06-09 11:03:50 PM

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Ok, time to finish this up.

Originally posted by Raoh
Gort’s legs began moving automatically towards his goal (which would seem to be as far away from his persecutors as possible), clumsily hefting himself over fallen trees, wading through seas of ferns and tropical forest growth, and hacking his way through brambles and vines until he could see the sky ever so slightly though the dense jungle, and noticed a wonderful sign: smoke.

This is another runon sentence. It can be divided into 3 sentences, and that division would give it more impact. One about how he reacted, (legs moved automatically etc,) one about his obstacles (hefting over fallen trees etc,) and one about the revelation of smoke. Also, "towards his goal" as well as "which would seem to be as far away from his persecutors as possible" are both very passive ways of describing Gort's actions. Not to mention that after the first paragraph, it is already well implied that Gort would be running away from his captors. There is no reason to use "seem to be" or even to state this fact outright since it is already known.

Originally posted by Raoh
He was close. Gort breathed the hot air as he pushed through any natural obstacle in his way, the rallying cries of the humans far enough behind to not be seen, but close enough to be heard.

Again, I think this would benefit if it were two sentences. I'd separate them at "way" and "the". Also, pushed seems like a passive verb. I'd think of a more interesting one.

Originally posted by Raoh
far enough behind to not be seen, but close enough to be heard

Also, you could probably convey this concept with just a few choice words. Right now, it feels wordy and passive. Something more along the lines of "the rallying cries of the humans loomed in the distance" would work better, though obviously with a better word choice.

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TLDR: Actually I'll just stop there. It's pretty much going to be the same thing for the rest of it. I've read the whole thing now, and basically your only two issues are runon sentences and passive voice. Which is actually very understandable if you wrote this quickly at 5 am. I do the same exact thing when I freewrite. It allows me to quickly set up my word useage without thinking too much, and I can always refine it later. I don't know how serious you are about really developing this into something larger, but it is a good basis to start from if you want to refine it. You have good imagery and descriptive detail, as well as a good use of sensory details. The only thing that I feel could use improvement overall is emotional impact. I know this is basically just an action scene, but depending on what you want to do with it, a good story depends on the reader being able to relate in some way to the characters. Right now, everything is too generic, but again, understandable if it was written at 5am.

I know I wrote quite a bit for such a short story, but I do tend to ramble. If it seemed mostly negative, that wasn't my intention. Keep in mind that I don't think it's bad at all. In fact, it could potentially be a solid foundation for something if you wanted it to. It's just that when it comes to improving any kind of writing, even the most perfectly written work, in reality, is never finished. Parts can always be improved upon. And since what you wanted suggestions for improvement, that's what I gave. Do with them what you will. Anyway, nice work.

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