| Dan Hibiki 1190 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Talks mostly in pictures. "I dislike the art of fighting, but I want to be the king of fighters!" Level: 71 Posts: 871/1191 EXP: 3017496 For next: 149618 Since: 07-22-07 Since last post: 11.8 years Last activity: 3.0 years |
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| Jul - Projects and Creations - Attempts at a Metroid Fan-Fiction... | - - ![]() |
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| Dan Hibiki 1190 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Talks mostly in pictures. "I dislike the art of fighting, but I want to be the king of fighters!" Level: 71 Posts: 871/1191 EXP: 3017496 For next: 149618 Since: 07-22-07 Since last post: 11.8 years Last activity: 3.0 years |
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| Girlydragon 3030 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Possibly neither Girly nor Dragon. Level: 105 ![]() Posts: 791/3030 EXP: 12245351 For next: 16909 Since: 07-21-07 From: Sweden Since last post: 273 days Last activity: 8 hours |
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Interesting idea, and I think it could turn out to be a good read, but at the moment the text is a little to descriptive for me. It's good that I get to know what's happening and good descriptions, but if they're too long then I lose interest over what I'm reading. A little more what instead of how would probably benefit it lots. Though it's the beginning of the story, so I could see it thin out of the descriptiveness later on. But yeah, I'd say keep going, could turn out good. ____________________
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| Dan Hibiki 1190 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Talks mostly in pictures. "I dislike the art of fighting, but I want to be the king of fighters!" Level: 71 Posts: 939/1191 EXP: 3017496 For next: 149618 Since: 07-22-07 Since last post: 11.8 years Last activity: 3.0 years |
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| Girlydragon 3030 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Possibly neither Girly nor Dragon. Level: 105 ![]() Posts: 796/3030 EXP: 12245351 For next: 16909 Since: 07-21-07 From: Sweden Since last post: 273 days Last activity: 8 hours |
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"her slurred words spilled out of her mouth like linguistic vomit as her story tied itself together, somehow, into a chuckle-filled, drunken recitation of her grand adventures of explosions, planet hopping, fame, and finally, degeneration." This sentence feels like it drags too long, maybe because you have an overly long description of both what's talking about and how. I'd probably say shorten the first part and keep the rest. "whipped out a cigarette from a pocket in the ripped up military style pants that hung themselves lazily around her hips," the pants gets too much attention, maybe change this part so that is focuses more on the cigarette? Would probably give more impact about her degeneration too. Those are the worst parts. Oh and: “And then, get this,” she started, a wild grin on her face as her dirty hands clenched a glass of equal squalor, half filled with a nondescript dark alcohol. “Once I got back, they fucking exiled me from the Federation’s air space, and boom! Here I am. Great story, huh? A real class act,” This is an excellent and amazing way to start a story, really pulls you in. This is a perfect example of the right amount of descriptiveness. I hope that helped you, though it's just my opinion. ![]() ____________________
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| Dan Hibiki 1190 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Talks mostly in pictures. "I dislike the art of fighting, but I want to be the king of fighters!" Level: 71 Posts: 947/1191 EXP: 3017496 For next: 149618 Since: 07-22-07 Since last post: 11.8 years Last activity: 3.0 years |
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| Girlydragon 3030 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Possibly neither Girly nor Dragon. Level: 105 ![]() Posts: 799/3030 EXP: 12245351 For next: 16909 Since: 07-21-07 From: Sweden Since last post: 273 days Last activity: 8 hours |
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Much better, the cigarette one is especially good now, the "degeneration" shines trough much better, without the read getting to boring. Very nice! ____________________
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| Jul - Projects and Creations - Attempts at a Metroid Fan-Fiction... | - - ![]() |
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