| LadySTRiPES Member Level: 28      Posts: 39/148 EXP: 122871 For next: 8467 Since: 07-23-09 From: Turn Around.... slooowly... Since last post: 12.2 years Last activity: 10.4 years  |
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A/N: Allright, this was for a contest on GaiaOnline just for comedy and angst. I started out funny, ended trying too hard and insane. Enjoy. ----------------------- “We are in LOVE!” she shouted, loud enough for the entire lunch table- no, the entire cafeteria to hear her. “We are in deep, true love that only true lovers can understand! A sort of compelling need to see to each other miles and miles apart, the connection between us is so superior, I hurt as he does and smile with him! You would not understand such a love, Doralee! You have to love like this love to understand this love!” she informed her friend seated next to her, picking up the object of her heart’s true desire and balancing it on her fingertips to glow in the harsh light of whatever fluorescent tube lamps the school used, “And I do love him so!” Doralee lifted a single eyebrow in a sort of Really? REALLY? kind of glance. “Natalie?” “You best be quick, I am already lost in his eyes!” was her odd response which sounded faintly like she came from the middle of Harry Potter with a weird accent “Natalie, that’s a muffin” The lady named Natalie gasped in mixed shock and horror, “How dare you chide me, Doralee! Of course I knew that!” she brought the puffed pastry back down to earth and pressed it to her breast, “My truest, dearest love is a muffin!” Doralee gave one long stare before bursting into laughter, “A muffin?! Seriously, Nat, a muffin?! I mean… oh” her giggles died instantly when she saw that no one else at the table were laughing. In fact, they were all staring at her like she was some kind of hurtful freak to insult poor, dear Muffin “How DARE you?” Natalie demanded suddenly with an icy glare, rising from her seat and still clutching Muffin tight, “How dare you insult my lover, my true lover, Joe? Has he done nothing to you?” “Joe? Is that your true-love-muffin’s name?” Doralee asked, fighting another wave of giggles “Bananas Joe, yes” was the oh-so-very-serious-and-suddenly-British reply “But he’s a blueberry muffin” Natalie took one look down at Bananas Joe and one look back at Doralee, leaning in to her friend’s face when she told her, “I may be blonde, Doral but not blind” and with that she stormed off to the snack bar, perhaps in search of a second husband. I heard that cinnamon buns are pretty faithful partners but I wouldn’t trust the chocolate chip cookies Doralee joked to herself ------ For being in true love that muffin sure got around. After all, Doralee knew with horrifying memory how one text message could set off a chain reaction and soon enough, the whole school was after Bananas Joe. The class after lunch was Chemistry with Mr. Jopplin who surprisingly didn’t argue Talya choosing the muffin as her lab partner. Never again should a pastry replace a some-what-better-qualified-than-a-freaking-muffin student partner. One moment she was consulting Bananas Joe about what chemistry they had in her low, flirty voice that unfortunately everyone knew by her infamous locker makeout sessions and the next, his crumbs ended up in the solution, setting something or another on fire. It was hard to Study in Study Hall when the school’s book nerd and Library Media Aide, Janice DeKiro was balancing Joe on the top of her head as she labeled books with their Dewey Decimal, blissfully unaware that he was staring Doralee down with his dark, blueberry eyes. Everywhere, the muffin was everywhere! And Doralee just couldn’t avoid him. “Doralee? Dor? What’s wrong?” her friend Jacob asked, shaking her shoulder gently and futilely attempting to break up the staring contest between muffin and man. Err, woman. “Did Talya make fun of your glasses again? Because I told you that-” “No” Doralee growled, cutting him off, “It’s Joe. Bananas Joe. He’s been taking over the school and it’s just so annoying!” “Oh, you mean that muffin that’s been passed around the school? Yeah, what’s up with that?” “He’s a jerk. A total jerk and he needs to be stopped!” “Dor, calm down” “NO! Did you see how he gets around? Did you see that evil glint in his eyes or how he glares at me, constantly?! Bananas Joe is nothing more than pure evil.” “Doralee, it’s just a muffin!” “A muffin who MUST be taken down!” “A muffin might I add?” She stood with full dignity and seriousness from the Library table, not even noticing how her chair fell to the ground behind her, fist pounding the table dramatically and irritated. “I am going to kill Bananas Joe!” “MUFFiN, Dor! MUFFiN!” … Dear Diary, I went everywhere with Bananas Joe and everywhere with Bananas Joe I went. The world seemed at our fingertips as I searched for Trinidad and Tobago on the globe in the science room, dang, where’d they put that country? Anyway, I am head-over-my-heels in love with Joe and we are going to elope and get married tomorrow in Vegas! Got to get to bed early, Diary, a bride’s gotta get her beauty sleep! Love, Natalie … “There he is… the bastard” Doralee announced in a low voice, peeking out of the bushes that edged the parking lot of Super Mart “You do know that we’re talking about a freaking muffin here, right? RiGHT?” Jacob nearly shouted “Shut up! We’re in Cognito. Where’s Cognito anyway? I hear people say it on TV all the time but…” “It just means undercover” “Under what?” “You know, witness protection or something?” “Protecting who?” Jacob sighed and rolled his eyes, “I mean, ‘on the dee-el’” “Oooooooh, why didn’t you just say so?” Jake just smacked his forehead, “Whatever. Just get going” “But there’s a car coming” “No, it’s stopping, see?” “No, it’s not going slow enough to stop” “Look who knows everything!” “Well, I hope they’re stopping, I gotta pee!” “Why didn’t you go before we left school? I asked you three times” “Well, I didn’t have to go then!” Jacob sighed again, “Go! They’re stopping!” “No they aren’t- oh wait, they are” Doralee leapt from the bushes, her waist-length black hair flaring out behind her like some kind of ultra-shiny, obsidian special effect explosion “Where did you get that wig?” he asked loudly “Cognito” was her only answer before she screamed and pointed at an unattended picnic table, “There he is!” “Okay, Dor, I know you have some kind of vendetta against this… muffin, but just be careful… we’re in public so-” “I WiLL KiLL THAT MUFFiN!!” her war-cry rang out over the grocery store parking lot which made the soccer-mom’s with kids draped over their carriages and little old grannies buying soft easy-to-chew foods turn. “Doralee James, what are you doing? There are people here! People I don’t want to be embarrassed in front of!” “It’s frosting!” she shouted, holding up the white plastic canister proudly, along with a plastic butter knife to match, “Muffins hate frosting because they and cupcakes are bitter enemies. Anything that reminds them of this feud between baked goods will piss them off.” “Right. Of course.” Jacob replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes Doralee ignored this, approaching her adversary, holding the frosting and knife behind her back, “Oh, Bananas Joe! You must not be getting enough sun!” she told him sweetly in a sickeningly sugary voice, “How about some color?!” she suggested, swiping over the muffin with a knife full of frosting, splattering the pink stuff all over it. “Oh, dearie me, you don’t look so good! You must have a splitting headache!” she announced, stabbing the top of the muffin through with more and more frosting, “Ahahahaha!” she laughed madly, splattering the picnic table, the umbrella over it, the muffin remains with more and more pink frosting, “Well, don’t be crushed, love! It will all be okay!” Doralee lied, suddenly leaping on the table and stomping on what was left of the muffin, reducing it to crumbs and blueberry bits, lobbing more gobs of pink at her combat boots. And over all this chaos was Jacob screaming for her to calm down and to stop embarrassing herself “Doralee?” a voice called, “Is that you? Where’s Bananas Joe?” Natalie asked. It seemed like that moment Doralee realized how ridiculous she looked, or how much this looked like a very bad murder movie. Pink splatters dripped slowly from the umbrella top like fake blood as she stood over the corpsefied remains and gore of a lost, dear lover. “Umm… well” she tried to explain, lifting her boots caked with smushed crumbs “Y-You killed him!” Natalie stuttered “Well- yeah- I- I’m sorry Natalie!” tears were welling in Doralee’s eyes as she tried to find the words to explain “Whatever.” Natalie shrugged “It was only a muffin” |
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