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Damarioman
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Posted on 05-13-11 07:29:29 PM (last edited by Damarioman at 05-14-11 01:29 PM) Link | Quote
Allright....Let's Begin
------------------------------------------------
I like to make back stories for characters with no back story.

So I decided to make a back story for shy guys (from the mario series) first.

now this is what I got so far...

our bit of epic history starts with the 1st king of the subcon, King Lewis Edwarrd Joffwel. King Joffwel was king for 90 years (Starting when he was 20) untill he was murdurd by his daughter Sylreei (Pronounced Sell-ree-I) via crossbow. being to young to be hanged he was throne in the dungon until she was 40 years old. King Joffwel's Son Johnathan took the throne at age 15. He rulled until he died of the influenza virus (The Flu) at the age of 95, leaving the throne to his son Lewis Edward Joffwel II.

King Joffwel II was the only king in all subconion history to only have daughters. The monarchy was in serios danger because sbconion law vol 80 ch 10 paragraph 9 clearly states that a royal man may marry a comoner woman and be king, but a royal woman can't marry a comoner man and be queen. So what happend was the nephew of the king, Duke Pircy Jason Joffwel and his wife Izzabel became the King and Queen of the Subcon, the new king as called The Great Pircy by the peasants because he a verry nice and fare king. after about 100 years King Pircy steped down and gave the throne to his grandson, Prince Lenard. Prince Lenard became king only Because his father, Kyle on Hamshire did not want to be king. King Lenard was a horrible king and later was tied to a stake and burned publikly.
His son Prince Pircy II became king and was never told of his fathers death until the age of 46. He died of a heart attack at the age of 46 just 2 minutes later after he was told of his fathers death.

King Pircy's son prince Thomas became king after all that. About 25 years a man called Lord Max Joshua Comwelth started the first proffesional army called the Comwelth Armor. 25 years after that oddly their neighbours to the north called the Germanic Bezo Empire anounced that thair wageing war upon the Subconion Colonies (also called the Kingdom of Yorkshire) King Thomas was never good at planing battles, so as you would expect nearly half of the Kingdom of Yorkshire was under Bezo Ocupation. The people naturaly blamed the king for the problem. The Comelth Armor was the only thing protecting King Thomas from the linch mob. Every body was afraid of a linch mob because it ment that one or more people were going to get hanged.

King Thomas had an idea to get allies from the south subcon called the Scottsman Highlands. The Scottsman Highlands inhabadence were Snifits. King Thomas's mission was a sucsess. Snifit cannon balls were alot better than Long Bows, espically when Bezo's have crossbows.

Read then coment please

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sofi

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Posted on 05-14-11 12:51:21 AM Link | Quote
I'm sorry, but, um, who the fudge are these people? :T

We really don't have much of a frame of reference here. You should introduce everyone better and try to organize your information more clearly and coherently. These are some wonderful things to keep in mind in writing in general.

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Damarioman
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Posted on 05-14-11 01:10:08 AM Link | Quote
Allright....Let's Begin
------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Sofi
I'm sorry, but, um, who the fudge are these people? :T

We really don't have much of a frame of reference here. You should introduce everyone better and try to organize your information more clearly and coherently. These are some wonderful things to keep in mind in writing in general.

1: thair people I made up to help the back story. All kings of the subcon should be mentioned.
2: Explain how I could do that please?. after that I could re arange and add to what I got so far to help it make more sence.

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Acey

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Posted on 05-14-11 06:44:34 AM Link | Quote

Absolutely nothing you post makes sense (or "sence", for that matter). Maybe you should fix that.

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Nksor

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Posted on 05-14-11 07:35:49 AM (last edited by BlueWhirl at 05-14-11 01:08 PM) Link | Quote


Raymondo Person!


I think this story is alright so far, here's a few pointers (I'm not an expert writer, although I'm an O.K. one. )

#Don't introduce so many new characters and settings so early into the story. At the very least you should use a paragraph to introduce the character, then ease into the next. You put four new characters in the first paragraph.

#Separate your paragraphs out a bit. Typically that is not something that is needed but the font size of this board makes what you wrote look like a giant wall of text.

#Capitalize all letters at the beginning of sentences. This sort of ties into the "too many characters" issue, by not capitalizing all of the letters at the beginning of sentences, it looks like a giant run-on sentence and that's a big no-no.

Well, hopefully those pointers helped (a little bit). Keep on writing; the only way to get better is to keep practicing.

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Damarioman
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Posted on 05-14-11 04:28:54 PM (last edited by Damarioman at 05-14-11 01:30 PM) Link | Quote
Allright....Let's Begin
------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by BlueWhirl
I think this story is alright so far, here's a few pointers (I'm not an expert writer, although I'm an O.K. one. )

#Don't introduce so many new characters and settings so early into the story. At the very least you should use a paragraph to introduce the character, then ease into the next. You put four new characters in the first paragraph.

#Separate your paragraphs out a bit. Typically that is not something that is needed but the font size of this board makes what you wrote look like a giant wall of text.

#Capitalize all letters at the beginning of sentences. This sort of ties into the "too many characters" issue, by not capitalizing all of the letters at the beginning of sentences, it looks like a giant run-on sentence and that's a big no-no.

Well, hopefully those pointers helped (a little bit). Keep on writing; the only way to get better is to keep practicing.


1: this is subconion history. But to stop people from being bored I call it a back story

2: will seperate paragraphs.

3: ok. Time To Edit!

:Edit: ok its edited

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Damarioman
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Posted on 05-15-11 03:23:41 PM (last edited by Damarioman at 05-15-11 12:24 PM) Link | Quote
Allright....Let's Begin
------------------------------------------------
Ok here's our next piece of epic history...

About 2 weeks past befor the snifits introduced a powder to the shy guys that explodes when touched by a spark or fire. They called it black powder. After the introduction of balck powder, came a series of advanced weaponry. The first of many weapons was the Hand cannon. The Hand cannon was like a bazooka, it was hollow, it shot cannon balls. but it was to heavy to carry.....sooo the started to make them out of wood instead of metal. The second to come was The Halburdeer. The Halburdeer was a cannon with 12 barrels, it fired 4 cannon balls a minute.

Bezo's droped like flies at these new weaponry....Untill...the bezo's introduced the fly tank. The Fly Tank as a heavy Iron Shell in the shape of a rectangle that was carried by bezo's and had a hole in the front big enough for a ballista arrow to be fired out of. The bezo's new weapon allowed them to hold their ocupated Teritories. The shy guy's needid to come up with something quick befor the bezo's realized that the tank would be good at assulting towns and citys. Months passed untill Richard Alexander Paxwell, invented the gear, cog, boiler, and steam engine!

Read then comment please

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Damarioman
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Posted on 05-23-11 11:05:35 PM Link | Quote
Ok this is our next bit of epic histoty...

During the first war Richard Alexander Paxwell was protected by like the king because of his ideas and inventions. Mr. Pax (as he was called) designed a weapon called the steam gun. The steam gun fired large glass capsul filled with a substance that Mr. Pax also invented called napalm. This weapon usefull when the Bezos start to use their tanks for city asult. Another one of Mr. Pax's inventions was the clock, and from the invention of the clock was the wheel-lock rifle. The wheel-lock rifle replaced the old flint-lock rifles as the new primary weapon for the comwelth armor.

Volume 2 of Chapter 1: special forces and branches of the military.

WHAT! you think that was all a chapter!? well your wrong it was justt volume 1 of chapter 1! you may wonder why I'm talking about every detail.......It's because the best way to make up a back story is to cover every thing about the character.

In a spand of just 2 years the war was at its peak. The comwlth armor split in order to provide more protection for polititions and the people.
The comwelth armor broke into 12 parts.
-Euro Guardd (The Police Force)
-Royal Guard (The Elites of the Elites)
-Comwelth Armor (well duh its the military)
-Royal Coats (Body Guards and Elite Body Guards)
-Englad Agency (CIA+FBI+RCMP+KGB+SWAT)
-Grim Troopers (Swarms of Anti-Guys)
-Royal Air Force (You figure it out genius)
-Royal Navy (You figure it out genius)
-Royal Wich Hunters (The part of the military thats a waist of money)
-Royal Explorers (At this point there needed)
-Rignald Paladins (The Elites)
-R.A.B.I.T (stand for Royal Armored Brigade of Intalagence and Tactics)

I will coninue later read then comment
Damarioman
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Posted on 06-22-11 01:53:27 AM Link | Quote
All right lets continue
King Thomas Seized control of most of the Subcon. He and his army needed to take over just one more city and the Bezo’s fascist government would crumble to bits. The assault of the Bezo’s capital city called Berzin. The one flaw about Bezo’s and their defences, there thick but swift. Large steel walls surround the city with large repeater crossbows mounted all over the wall. Its thick because of the steel, its swift because of the repeater crossbows, but the flaw was that the wall and its weapons were built to stop knights, militia, and catapults, Not Steam Siege Weapons.

A weapon that rely screwed the Bezo’s over was the Mechanical Spider Mech!
The Spider Mech is a siege weapon designed to walk over walls. Invented by a Matt J Archreduke, The Spider Mech is useful for getting over the walls of Berzin.

That’s all I have right now but I’ll see you all later.
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Rusted Logic
Acmlmboard - commit 47be4dc [2021-08-23]
©2000-2022 Acmlm, Xkeeper, Kaito Sinclaire, et al.

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