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11-17-18 03:55:51 AM

Jul - Innocent Town - wakeless dream New poll - New thread - New reply
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Red Yoshi
don't underestimate me / you ain't seen nothin' yet
Level: 112

Posts: 3809/3818
EXP: 15115289
For next: 222916

Since: 08-22-07

Pronouns: she/her
From: body chicago, soul nueva york

Since last post: 2 days
Last activity: 21 hours

Posted on 11-08-18 05:25:33 AM Link | Quote
sorry for using this forum like officer's club
or like an angsty teen blog
just seems right somehow

i dont know if ive ever felt self-assured or self-confident,
but if i ever have, it certainly hasnt been in the past decade
im in college for the first time in my life, after ~7 years out of education,
and im terrified
i feel like that one picture of a lady in a speeding car screaming
the thing is, im doing pretty decently
im taking two classes, and handling them pretty well
did one exam in one of the classes, got a b, just barely missed an a
teachers like me, my roommates(/basically adoptive family) are praising me and telling me im doing well
but i cant internalize any of it
i am always utterly convinced that im a failure
when people tell me i'm doing well, i assume they're lying
i dont think ive internalized positive reinforcement at any point in my life past like age 5
im constantly paranoid, convinced that its just a matter of time til the other shoe drops

earlier i had basically a full on breakdown,
because i registered for next semesters classes online,
and then convinced myself that every choice i had made was a bad one,
and that i was going to fail all my classes in spectacular fashion,
lose all my financial aid, get pitched out of college,
and then get blamed by my roommates/adoptive family for being too stupid or something,
and end up out on the street, abandoned, because my value to everyone had disappeared

all of this paranoia and reaching and terror, out of one decision
ive often half-joked that i would probably have 5 black psyche-locks,
if anyone ever bothered to check

...i have attacks like this often enough that it's almost ridiculous
theyre much less frequent when im medicated,
but my depression and adhd conspire to make me forget my meds pretty often too.
therapy has never particularly helped me, either, and idk,
maybe i just have to find the right therapist somehow,
but it seems...beyond hopeless. an utterly lost cause.
so i remain, as if im stuck in a loop,
and my view of my future becomes darker, yet darker.

...i guess ill keep going, though.

for all my panicked flailing,
lord knows why, but in the end,
im too stubborn to quit.

Level: 250

Posts: 24690/24691
EXP: 250088811
For next: 440200

Since: 07-03-07

Pronouns: they/them, she/her, etc.

Since last post: 2 days
Last activity: 2 days

Posted on 11-14-18 05:49:54 PM Link | Quote
Originally posted by Mistral
sorry for using this forum like officer's club
or like an angsty teen blog
just seems right somehow

i mentioned it at some point in the recent-ish past, but i was considering that, before i just decided to take the entire forum off of search (as best as i could) - having this place be invisible to search, and maybe require logging in to view

using a place that you find comfort being to get stuff off of your chest is always allowed, though, so don't worry about it
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Jul - Innocent Town - wakeless dream New poll - New thread - New reply

Rusted Logic

Acmlmboard - commit 220d144 [2018-11-04]
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