 | I kind of suck at peer editing, but I just finished an English course, and I know how helpful any form of constructive criticism can be, so here it goes. Also, keep in mind that at this point, I have only read the first paragraph. I'll read the rest later. I find it easier this way when it comes to critiquing overall structure.
Originally posted by Raoh
He rested his head against a firm tree trunk, his scraggy black hair draping past his face as his tired eyes gazed towards the vegetation above and around him, the humid air permeating every inch of his green skin, leaving him sweaty and uncomfortable in his iron pauldrons and sparse leather armor.
This Sentence is is a run-on. There are two distinct ideas in it, and therefore, it would clarify things if they were split into two sentences.
[example] He rested his head against a firm tree trunk, his scraggy black hair draping past his face as his tired eyes gazed towards the vegetation above and around him. The humid air permeated every inch of his green skin, leaving him sweaty and uncomfortable in his iron pauldrons and sparse leather armor.
Originally posted by Raoh
Gort scratched the nape of his neck; then, with an audible smack, he crushed the insect that sought to feast on his blood, the mosquito’s remains stuck firmly to his palm.
I'd separate this sentence too, and possibly place it after the above sentence. Depends on what you think makes the paragraph flow best.
[example] Gort rested his head against a firm tree trunk, his scraggy black hair draping past his face as his tired eyes gazed towards the vegetation above and around him. The humid air permeated every inch of his green skin, leaving him sweaty and uncomfortable in his iron pauldrons and sparse leather armor. He scratched the nape of his neck; then, with an audible smack, he crushed the insect that sought to feast on his blood. The mosquito’s remains stuck firmly to his palm. There were too many who sought after his blood already.
Originally posted by Raoh
He did the best he could to catch his breath, but with the humans nipping at his heels like dogs chasing their quarry, he couldn’t sit still for long, lest he be captured again. Their cries could be heard in the distance, and Gort’s pointed ears twitched at their call as he bolted upright, eyes wide and axe in hand, ready to defend himself if needed.
I'd rearrange your order of ideas a little here. Right now, these sentences seem jumbled as each one has multiple ideas within them. Perhaps separating them like this would work better?
[example]He did the best he could to catch his breath, but he couldn’t sit still for long, lest he be captured again. The humans were nipping at his heels like dogs chasing their quarry. Their cries could be heard in the distance. Gort’s pointed ears twitched at their call as he bolted upright, eyes wide and axe in hand, ready to defend himself if needed.
Furthermore,
Originally posted by Raoh
He did the best he could to catch his breath, but he couldn’t sit still for long, lest he be captured again.
I don't know about this sentence. It's okay, but it almost seems redundant, and it lacks action when compared to the rest of the paragraph. You'd probably be better off conveying these two ideas in different ways. What you've already written already conveys that Gort is resting and most likely catching his breath, so that doesn't need restating. The only new important information in this sentence is that Gort is in danger of being captured. I'd try to get that point across in another sentence without outright stating it. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. This sentence feels too much like an announcement. Write the paragraph so that the reader is able to easily infer everything in this sentence, without it being directly stated to them.
Originally posted by Raoh
Their cries could be heard in the distance.
This is passive voice. Consider changing "could be heard" into a a more menacing verb.
Originally posted by Raoh
Gort’s pointed ears twitched at their call as he bolted upright, eyes wide and axe in hand, ready to defend himself if needed.
I think this sentece offers you a good opportunity to let the reader into a little of Gort's character. Describe his exact reactions more. So far, all we are really getting out of it is that Gort is alert. "Ready to defend himself if needed" is a pretty generic way of describing him. As is, this sentence could describe anyone's reaction if they were being hunted. Write it so that we know, without a doubt, that it is Gort specifically who is being hunted.
For instance, is Gort eager to fight the humans? Is he angry at them? Does he hate them? Is he thirsting for the kill? Or does he just want to be left alone and is only raising the axe in self-defense? The way that Gort raises the axe could clarify this. Instead of "ready to defend himself if needed," you could say "ready to strike at the first sign of life" or "tired of the endless chase, but instincively bound to survive at any cost" or really, something better than both of these. You can also do this in other parts of the paragraph and not just this sentence.
Also, your rewriting could probably benefit if you read each paragraph on its own, identified the main point getting across, identify the main point you want to get across, and then focus more on that overall idea. Ultimately, ask yourself, what does this paragraph say in relation to the rest of the story? With this paragraph, my impression is that it sounds like you want the reader to empathize with Gort, but at the same time get the point across that he is not someone to be messed with, and is something that most humans would hate and fear. If so, I would put in more details to better illustrate these main concepts. It's good as is, but you can improve it easily.
I'll probaly review the rest of it later. Right now it's frickin 130am and I need to get some sleep! I like it so far though.
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